Dynamite Soul #3:
5 Finger Felipe's Guide On How To Steal Records


After the whole RapSheet fiasco, I thought about doing a new column for some other magazine. I came up with "Dynamite Soul", which would be a freestyle-type of column, where I could be free to write about anything! I wrote four sample columns, then decided I just didn't want to deal with rap magazines anymore. This is "Dynamite Soul #3", which is record-related, so you might find it interesting.
-Soulman, 1-99

It's Just A White Bar

        Yo yo YO! What is up, one and all. This month Iím gonna do my first interview in over a year. Now, I personally donít like interviewing people- most celebrities are fairly cool about it, but I can understand a guy not being thrilled about answering the same stupid ass questions heís been asked about 392,000 times before. And then you have your total ass-openings, the type who believe their own publicity hype and think theyíre too fly to do the interview thing.

        So thatís why I prefer to interview regular people. Yeah, I know some of you would rather read about what brand of draws Keith Murray wears or what Ghost Face Killahís all-time favorite color of Wallabees is. Thatís cool and all but fuck that. Iím gonna give you some useful shit. This time I got my main doo doo stain, 5 Finger Felipe The Kleptomaniacal Bike Messenger, to give us the lowdown on how he amassed his collection of 793 albums (plus 27 45ís) on a lowly, below-minimum wage salary. Thatís right, you rocket scientist- he stole them. Sweat the technique:

SM: Yo Felipe, you no good record thieving bastard! How you liviní, ha?
5FF: Iím liviní foul, like that crusty ass tape you made back in Ď92, snot face. Whatís up?

SM: Yo, I wanted to interview you for my column and shit.
5FF: Oh, that World Of Beats shit?

SM: Nah, I stopped doiní that a year ago. Where you been at, ass breath?
5FF: Up in ya moms. Oh, my bad, I forgot your moms died, man. You know Iím just playiní. But word, you quit that World Of Beats shit? Thatís fucked up, I likeded that shit.

SM: Fuck you. You never even bought it, you human fart essence!
5FF: Naw, naw, you know me, baby. But I used to rip your page out of the Rappages every month, B! No doubt.

SM: That was RapSHEET.
5FF: RapSheet, Rappage, who gives a fuck? But your shit was cool, man! It was my fuckiní guide lines on what records to steal every month.

SM: Yo, I want you to give up some record boosting tips for my new column, ock.
5FF: Okay, I can give up a few little secrets. But you know I canít give up the crazy shit just yet, I still got some shit that the record jakes donít know about yet.

SM: A-ight, spill the beans like Joe Tex.
5FF: Well, you know the basics, right... always try to switch those sleeves if you can. Take a $50 JBs record and switch it with a $7 Barkays album, or someting like that. That ainít really stealiní, thatís just some olí switcheroo shit thatíll save you some cheddar. The secret is to know the store, though. If the clerk knows his shit, heíll catch the switch when he rings you up. Do that shit when the store owner is out to lunch and his sixteen year old helper is on the register. He wonít know shit, and he wonít give a fuck either.

SM: Yeah, I used to do that if the store owner was a total asshole, charginí waaaaay too much for a record.
5FF: Yeah, but thatís because youíre too fuckiní nice! Iíd steal records from my grandmother if she had some fat shit!

SM: Whatís some other tips?
5FF: When youíre at a convention, always walk in with a small stack. Either go with a crew, or mingle in at a table thatís mad crowded. Pick up records and mix em in with yours when the guy ainít lookiní. They wonít question you, and if they do just tell them you already had the records. Oh yeah, make sure itís a table where the dealer doesnít put price tags on the records, cuz if they check then youíre busted. But it shouldnít even get that far. A muthafucka challenges you, you tell him, "look, man, this is MY shit, and you ainít checkiní nothin!" Then just walk the fuck away! I got a copy of the Giant album like that.

SM: Ooh, thatís my beat.
5FF: You got that, right?

SM: You know it.
5FF: What did you pay for it?

SM: I got one for $40, one for $8.
5FF: See, thatís too much, son. Next time tell me what you need and Iíll get it for you. I also do the old tin foil trick on electronic sensors when I go to Towerís for my new CDís and shit, so I can hook you with those, too.

SM: I donít need the new shit no more. Iím writing again, so labels send me stuff... sometimes.
5FF: In the wintertime I wear the crazy oversized bubble Bear shit, and I put the hooks inside, just like in "The Mack", remember that shit?

SM: Oh, right on.
5FF: I went to this shop near Albany, I think, and there was MAAAD beats up in that piece. Yo, word is bond, I walked outta there with crazy shit like The BlueJays, Port Authority, Gypsy, uhhh.... Mt. Rushmore... all this rock shit, plus original Meters shit, Popcorn Wylie...

SM: Yo, I need that shit, son! Whatís up?
5FF: Well, you canít have my shit but Iíll look out on the next one. Another thing, all you collectors out there- if you care about your collection, do NOT invite a nigga like me over your house! Iíll stab you and make it look like your wife did it, son! Iíll kill a nigga if his records are nice enough! Naw, Iím just playiní about that, but make sure you know a muhfucka well before you let him into your crib, Ďcuz niggas can be mad shysty, you know? Iíve seen cats go in your spot and case the shit, then come back with trucks when you ainít at home! Iím sayiní, some olí Brook Benton "Moving Day" shit! I seen niggas make impressions of keys in clay, get keys made from THAT, and then come back and rob the place while olí boy was out at the disco.

SM: You never did no trife life shit like that, though, right?
5FF: Son, I did ALL of that shit. You know my stee: "trife life, got me thinkiní like an animal"... shit, man, I only make $63.92 a week! I gotta do somethiní to level the playing field, you know?

SM: Stealiní from your peops is below trife though, man. I canít fuck with that at all. A record ainít worth it.
5FF: See, itís like I said before- youíre too fuckiní nice, Soulman. Abdullahís right, you are "Honest Phill"! Fuck it, if I take a record from you, so what? If Iím your boy and I really want a record, you should give it to me Ďcuz Iíd do the same for you! If not, then I feel justified to take that shit while you go in the kitchen for some Kool-Aid. Thatís another trick, by the way- ask for someting to drink. While youíre left alone in ya manís room, take all the free samples you can hide in your bag.

SM: Well, thatís my thing, if I donít know a cat thatís over my spot. I try to have a friend with me to help watch shit. And you canít bring a bag in with you. Some people get offended, but thatís the rule. Iíd rather that than have to shoot somebody for trying to take my shit.
5FF: Eh, thatís some bitch shit. How typical of you.
SM: Fuck you, you dried up cum stain.
5FF: Nobody ever took shit outta your room?

SM: No, not that I know of.
5FF: See, you sleepiní! ĎCuz I took a Treacherous Three twelve inch from you last summer!

SM: What?
5FF: "Feel The Heartbeat". See, you didnít even know.

SM: Yo man, stop playiní.
5FF: Psyche! But I had you thinkiní for a minute there, didnít I?

SM: I wouldnít put nuthiní past your dishonest ass. You talking vaginal secretion you.
5FF: Thatís why you love me and want to have my children, with your gay pride parade marchiní bitch ass!

        The views expressed by 5 Finger Felipe in no way reflect the views of this website. We do not condone the stealing of records, or any other personal property, for any reason. We are clean living, hard working, tax paying Americans. We are damn near angelic.
        Thank you.

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